What Happens When You Finally Trust Yourself
- Katie Kaspari
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
I used to think other people had all the answers.
That someone, somewhere knew exactly what I should do with my life, how I should feel, what decisions I should make. I'd look around at confident people and wonder what secret knowledge they possessed that I didn't.
It took me years to realize they didn't have some magical insight I was missing. They just trusted themselves more than I trusted myself.
A client recently asked me a question that made me reflect deeply on my own journey. She said, "Katie, how do I stop hating myself?" Her voice cracked slightly. This successful, outwardly confident woman was crumbling on the inside, second-guessing every decision, believing that everyone else somehow had it together while she was just pretending.
I recognized that feeling immediately. It used to be my constant companion.
The Self-Esteem Puzzle
When we talk about improving self-esteem, we often get it backward. We think external validation, achievements, or positive affirmations will solve the problem. We try to build self-esteem from the outside in.
It doesn't work.
What I've discovered through my own struggles and working with hundreds of clients is that lasting self-esteem grows from a single seed: self-trust.
Think about it. How can you possibly value yourself when you don't trust your own thoughts, feelings, or decisions? When your inner voice whispers "you can't handle this" or "everyone else knows better," you're essentially telling yourself you're not worthy of your own respect.
Our minds can be vicious like that.
The reason external validation never truly fixes self-esteem issues is simple: when you don't trust yourself, you don't trust the validation either. That promotion? Lucky break. That compliment? They're just being nice. That success? You fooled everyone, and soon they'll discover you're a fraud.
When Others Become Your Mirror
I spent decades looking to others to tell me who I was. Their opinions became my reality. Their criticism devastated me. Their approval became my addiction.
But external validation is like trying to fill a leaking bucket. No matter how much you pour in, it never stays full.
I remember sitting in my car after a particularly successful workshop, surrounded by praise and positive feedback, feeling utterly empty inside. The high of external validation had lasted about fifteen minutes before the self-doubt crept back in.
Why? Because I didn't trust that I deserved it. I didn't trust my own value. I didn't trust that I knew what I was doing, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Self-trust isn't just believing you can do things. It's believing you deserve to exist exactly as you are.
The Betrayal That Started It All
Most of us can trace our self-trust issues back to moments when we betrayed ourselves – when we ignored our intuition, silenced our needs, or abandoned our boundaries to please others.
Over time, these self-betrayals become a habit. We stop checking in with ourselves because we've learned not to trust what we find there. Instead, we scan the environment, looking for clues about what we should think, feel, and do.
One of my clients described it perfectly: "I feel like I need permission to be myself."
I understood exactly what she meant.
The path back to self-esteem begins with healing this fractured relationship with yourself. It starts with small acts of self-trust.
Building Self-Trust From Scratch
When I work with clients in my Inner Freedom program, we start rebuilding self-trust with simple, concrete practices. I'd like to share a few that transformed my own relationship with myself:
1. The Daily Check-In
Most of us spend more time checking social media than checking in with ourselves. Take three minutes each morning to sit quietly and ask: "How am I really feeling? What do I need today?" Then listen without judgment. This simple act acknowledges that your internal experience matters.
When I first started this practice, I couldn't even answer these basic questions. I had no idea how I felt or what I needed. I'd become that disconnected from myself.
2. Honor Your Small Wants
Start keeping the tiny promises you make to yourself. If you think "I'd like a cup of tea," get up and make it. If you think "I need a break," take one. Each time you honor these small desires, you're telling yourself that your needs matter.
I began with ridiculously small things – stretching when my body felt stiff, drinking water when I was thirsty. It sounds trivial, but these small acts rebuild the neural pathways of self-trust.
3. Tolerate Discomfort Without Escaping
Self-doubt creates emotional discomfort, and our instinct is to escape it – through distraction, busyness, or seeking reassurance from others. Instead, try sitting with the discomfort for just 60 seconds. Notice it with curiosity rather than judgment.
I used to immediately text friends whenever I felt uncertain about a decision, outsourcing my thinking to others. Learning to sit with my own uncertainty was terrifying at first. Now it's liberating.
4. Speak Your Truth, Even When It's Unpopular
Start with low-risk situations. Express a preference when asked where to eat. Share an honest opinion about a movie. These small acts of authenticity build your trust in your right to exist as you are.
I still remember the first time I disagreed with someone I respected and didn't immediately backtrack or apologize. My heart was pounding, but afterward, I felt a curious sense of solidity, like I'd finally claimed my right to my own perspective.
The Quiet Revolution
What happens when you start trusting yourself? In my experience, it's not a dramatic overnight transformation but a quiet revolution.
You stop abandoning yourself in difficult moments.
You make decisions faster because you're not polling the entire world for their opinions.
You spend less energy trying to figure out what others want from you and more energy creating what you want for yourself.
Your relationships improve because they're based on authenticity rather than performance.
Most importantly, you develop genuine self-esteem – not the fragile kind that depends on constant achievement or validation, but the solid kind that comes from knowing you'll be there for yourself, no matter what.
My client who questioned how to stop hating herself? After six weeks of practicing these self-trust exercises, she told me something that brought tears to my eyes: "For the first time in my life, I feel like I have my own back."
That's the essence of it all. Having your own back. Trusting yourself enough to know that whatever happens, you'll catch yourself when you fall.
The world will always have opinions about who you should be and what you should do. People will criticize, project, and misunderstand you. You'll make mistakes, fail, and disappoint yourself sometimes.
But when you trust yourself, none of that has the power to define you anymore.
In the end, self-esteem isn't something you find outside yourself. It's what naturally emerges when you finally come home to who you are and decide to stay.
CREATOR. Author, Writer, Speaker.
MBA, MA Psychology, ICF.
Scaling PEOPLE through my Unshakeable People Club.
High Fly with Me. ♥️
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