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Writer's pictureKatie Kaspari

Parental introjects and how understanding it can change your life as an adult

Updated: Jun 12

Parental introjects are mental representations that appear convincing to their holder. They are often poorly realised, as they are perceived as self-evident - not subject to doubt. Historically, these are the words and phrases of parents that at some point began to be perceived as one's own judgments.

To "work through" introjects involves first noticing and recognising them. Knowing your active introjects is useful because many of them affect (positively or negatively) self-esteem, the feeling of confidence in one's abilities, and attitudes towards oneself and other people.


boy and girl watching a paper boat

Here are several common ones:


THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU


Parental anxiety can prompt mothers and fathers to look for differences between their child and other children or themselves in the past. As a rule, such differences are easily found. The parent may then be inclined to interpret this dissimilarity as undesirable or dangerous.

"All children (I was) ..., but my child is ...."

"Other children are more ... - how will he manage in life?"

Parental anxiety can focus on anything - health, intelligence, personality traits, skills, habits, and interests. This assumes that there is some hypothetical person who should be taken as a model.


Alternative parental message:

There's nothing wrong with being different. If you're unlike anyone else, there's nothing bad or dangerous about it.

Observing your own characteristics can help you better understand yourself, your desires, and your potential direction of development.

The main thing is to find the right place and people where your qualities, strengths, will be fully in demand.

Whatever you feel and whatever qualities you possess - you're okay.

Explore yourself. What do you like about yourself? What are you naturally interested in and capable of?


YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING WRONG


Children are born untrained, so when they try to help around the house, do something socially useful, or engage in drawing, sculpting, solving puzzles, etc., they do it much worse than adults.

This can give rise to messages like:

"Don't do it without me (you'll do it poorly without my control)."

"Don't bother me (adults do everything that requires responsibility)."

"I'll do it myself (when you do something, you do it either poorly or slowly)."

"You haven't learned this (first learn from authorities, then do it)."


Alternative parental message:


There's nothing wrong with things not going well or not as well as you'd like for now.

The main thing is to have an interest in starting, continuing, trying, experimenting, and not being afraid to make mistakes. A mistake can be fixed, but lack of initiative won't lead to results. Only the simplest tasks are solved on the first try.


YOU'RE A BURDEN TO OTHERS, IT'S A BIG FAVOR IF SOMEONE DOES ANYTHING GOOD FOR YOU


If a child is raised by a single adult (responsibilities related to caring for the child lie only on one of the parents), and it is difficult for them for any reason (difficulty combining with work, poor emotional connection with the child, lack of positive emotions for the parent during play and spending time with the child), there is a likelihood that the child will receive messages that he or she is a "problem."

A problem because time, money, and emotional energy need to be spent on them. The parent may directly or indirectly convey that if not for the child, their life could have been different ("I could have married", "I could have still been successful in my profession", "...seen the world", "...been happy", etc.). In this case, the belief that you can be a sincere joy to another person, rather than a collection of burdensome needs and obligations, does not arise. Then, if someone does something good for you without deriving personal benefit from it, this can cause sincere surprise and even anxiety.


Alternative parental message:


It's a great joy and gain in life for me that you came into this world!

I experience a lot of joy every day from the fact that you are here.

How glad I am that I decided to have you.


YOU ARE NOT NEEDED BY ANYONE, AND YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE EXCEPT US


Various messages imply that only parents are the people who can love, be loyal, and be altruistic. "We are the only ones you need!" People outside the family are not to be trusted, are indifferent to feelings in the long term, can cause hurt, have personal motives, or are not worth spending time and resources on.

In this case, any "separation" from the family will be perceived by the children themselves as a betrayal (I am criticised for this, they are dissatisfied with me, they invested so much in me, and I am drawn to another place).


Alternative parental message:


We love you and worry when you distance yourself. But we believe that you have a lot more to experience in life, besides us.

Keep in touch with us, but don't worry about us, we can take care of ourselves.


NOBODY CAN BE TRUSTED


These include various calls to not trust, not to confide, to remember the fickleness of human feelings and intentions. These messages may apply only to one gender ("don't count on men").


Alternative parental message:


Look for those who deserve trust.

Search for those from whom you will learn, with whom you will want to start your own family, those who will be your loyal friends.

The search may be difficult, someone may hurt you, but in the end, you will succeed.


YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH... TO...


- "You're still too young (inexperienced, not sufficiently educated) to..."

- "Don't try to help me, you'll have time later..."

- "You need guidance, a teacher, a team, you can't manage (or develop) on your own."

Alternative parental message:

If you decide to do something, I will support you.

If you feel that you can handle it, then you will.

If you're concerned about it, it's important.


YOU OWE US BECAUSE WHAT WE DID WAS FOR YOU


If I try to become more successful in something, I am judged for being cold-blooded; if I help and participate in family life, they are disappointed in me for lack of achievements. They expect both achievements and help from me. Whatever I choose as a priority - they are not pleased with me.

Alternative parental message: we want you to achieve something, to be useful to society / we believe that family is the most important thing in life.


YOU ARE VULNERABLE, WEAK IN HEALTH, AND CAN EASILY FIND YOURSELF IN AN UNPLEASANT SITUATION.


- Your health is more fragile than most people's.

- You can easily get hurt, or suffer a fracture (of the back, for example) - this will affect your future life (immobility, hospitalisation).

- You need to be more careful.

- Something unpredictable can happen to you in unusual circumstances.


Alternative parental message:


Be careful in moments when you could get hurt.

The body has good resilience and the ability to recover, but still takes care of it.

The more practice you have, the better your coordination will be.

Movement and activity are beneficial for both body and mind.


YOU SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT THIS


- It's none of your business.

- You already have it good, you don't need to worry.

- Adults know better, authorities know better, specialists know better.

- Obey. Ask for others' opinions if you're unsure.

- Know your place, fulfil your duties, and don't look around if it doesn't concern you.

- It's not yet time to think about this.


Alternative parental message:


If you're thinking about it, then it's important.

If you don't know the answer, seek facts, compare opinions, and make decisions.

If you think about things that others don't, there's nothing wrong with that, continue to seek the answers that you need.


ACHIEVEMENTS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE


Praise for overcoming difficulties:

- He was sick, and felt bad, but did all the necessary tasks;

- He wanted to go out and play, but instead decided to study English in his free time (prospects are more important than relationships with people, rest);

- Despite the difficulties, he coped (the cost doesn't matter and is irrelevant);

- The value of your life depends on your contribution to society (professional usefulness, the number of children born, their social usefulness).


Alternative parental message:


If you're tired or sick, you don't need to push yourself, take a break.

If achieving positive results comes at the cost of pushing yourself too hard, is it worth it?

It's necessary to approach work responsibly, but it's not the only thing that matters and requires your attention (close family, the joy of the process in the present, and activities not related to incredible utility and achievements).

People can make each other's lives happy through their presence in relationships. Even without grand achievements, your influence on the lives of those close to you can be immense.


Katie Kaspari, MBA, MA Psychology, ICF.

CEO and Founder of Kaspari Life Academy.

Top-rated Author, Motivational Speaker, Mindset and Business Strategy coach.

Good Habits Design for Success and Happiness.

Shaping MINDS and building LEADERS.




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